Keep Your Kids In the Know

I am the product of a broken home. Nothing too dramatic. Young parents with major incompatibilities and well, it didn’t work out. I was five or six when my mom, brother and I moved in with my grandparents for an extended period of time. Those are some pretty important years in a young boy’s development and I was lucky enough to have my grandfather step in as the “dad” that I so desperately needed at that time. In fact, and this is no disrespect to my stepfather who is an incredible man and role model, my grandfather was the most influential father figure in my life.

He passed away 13 years ago today.

Outside of the obvious “I’m really bummed that my beautiful wife and incredible daughter never got to meet him” or “I really miss the guy” reasons for writing about him today, I have a not so obvious parenting tactic that I indirectly learned through him, after he passed.

Full Disclosure. As much as it hurts or might not seem important at the time, I am going to be open and honest with my children about their immediate and extended family. Of course, there are some details that don’t need to be disclosed that will never have relevance to their lives. But there will be the obvious ones or even the moments that might not stand out as terribly obvious at the time, that should be shared.

I have two examples, both about my Grandfather (Buck). One is very painful, the other is so incredibly amazing, that it hurts to think about it.

Example 1, I never really saw cancer.
I was a sophomore in college at the time of his death. I knew he was sick. He battled cancer for what seemed like years. He had moments where he seemed like he was getting better, moments where I barely recognized him and moments where he didn’t even seem sick. He was sick though, terribly sick. As a 19 year old man/kid, I should have known he was worse off than he was. I had never seen anyone go through a fight with cancer before, and to be honest, he was my grandfather, I never thought he would die from it.

I understand where my mom and family were coming from by not telling me everything, I truly do. I’m a parent now and the last thing that I ever want to see is my kid hurting. I just wish I would have been told, convinced even, that it was bad. I wish that I would have realized that my time with him was limited and that I probably wouldn’t get to see him for Christmas the year that he passed. I was a 19 year old kid, partying in college without a care in the world because my grandfather was at home, fighting for his life…and all the while I just thought he would pull through, or that I had time left with him. I didn’t. Like I said, I don’t blame my family for not conveying the enormity of the situation, maybe they were in denial of it…but one of my biggest regrets in life is not being able to see him one last time during his dying days. In fact, I can’t even pin point the last time that I saw him. Call me morbid, but if I saw him, dying in his bed, I would at least have that as my last time memory.

So, kiddies, I promise you this, you will know in full detail what is going on with anyone who is sick in our family. It will hurt, and will undoubtedly result in some tears, but when you’re in your 30s I don’t want you thinking back and having things that you wish you would have known.

Example 2, he was Santa Claus.
When my parents split up, we were poor. Hell, we were poor before they split up…twice as poor when we were living with my grandparents. Nonetheless, I remember having a ton of fun there. I have a few aunts and uncles that are within 10 years of me in age (big Catholic family, and yes, I was a teenage accident) and my brother and I were showered with attention and always had someone to play with. However, there wasn’t much money floating around and my mom was working multiple jobs to pull our lives back together.

Fast forward about 15 years to his funeral where my aunt was telling us stories about my grandfather. Most I knew; a number of them, I witnessed. But then she told me about the Christmas when we first moved into their house. She told me about how my mom was stressed out about not having presents for us. All I know is that we woke on Christmas morning to a bounty that would put a toy store to shame. I’m not sure who else knew, but my grandfather was a real life Santa Claus that year. He went out bought toys and made sure that we had the best Christmas ever.

I don’t know that if I knew that piece of information if I would have ever officially thanked him or even told him that I knew. I just feel like it’s one of those little things that would have helped me appreciate him even more than I did while he was still alive.

So that is where I am. I haven’t completely figured this parenting thing out and I’ll bet that I am an old grandfather when I finally do get it. And I’m sure that I have a ton of mistakes to make as my kids grow, but I have learned a few things from how I feel today as an adult. My kids, for better or for worse, are going to be in the know. They’ll probably know more than some people might think that they should, but at least they will be informed.

I’ll be selective about when they find out, but they will also know about the people who did wonderful things for them in plenty of time to hug that person a little tighter before they lose the chance.

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