Newborn Bliss – So Why is My Wife Crying?

Have you experienced this?

Hubby: Do you want something to eat?
Me: um…no thanks. I don’t really have an appetite.

Hubby: Are you upset with me?
Me: No…I am just feeling this overwhelming sense of sadness, and I don’t know why. I just know that I need you here with me.

Hubby: Do you want to talk about it?
Me: I don’t know how to put into words what I’m feeling…I just know that I feel lousy but so in love…all at the same time. I could cry at any moment.

Hubby: Can you tell me what you’re feeling?
Me: All I can say is that I feel this profound sense of emptiness and there is no rational explanation for this grief. I am overjoyed and I truly have the perfect life. I have a husband who loves me, a beautiful newborn daughter, who is the love of my life, and no stress or drama and yet, I feel such an indescribable sense of loneliness and feelings of inadequacy. I’m miserable that you are going back to work, and I’m miserable that I have to return to work in a few months. I just want to be with her all the time. I look at our daughter and I am overwhelmed with love. It’s more intense than anything I have ever felt in my life. Beyond these thoughts, i can’t explain the origin or why i am in this state. It is as though my hormones have taken over, and I am completely out of control with my emotions, and if I continue talking about it…I’m going to cry once again.

For anyone out there who has ever experienced these feelings, this was my entire second week of motherhood. No one tells you that this overwhelming sense of loss / grief / emptiness / sadness is looming, or that you’ll experience a seesaw of emotions ranging from bliss to tears all within minutes…nor does anyone explain how to handle this hormonal state of utter distress. I am here to tell you that these feelings are all normal and completely natural. This my friends is Postpartum Blues.

It is as if you are fine one day, elated, on a huge cloud of bliss, celebrating this new life, then you turn around and the next minute you are crying and feeling completely out of sorts. You have no idea how to make these erratic feelings stop and your husband / partner is completely helpless, unsure of how to comfort you. Additionally, you don’t know if it will end and you don’t know if there is a light at the end of this bleak tunnel. You feel like you are going on an uphill battle with your child by your side and you don’t know how to handle these new feelings and emotions.

What I wish someone would have told me is that it’s ok to feel these things, and that you should never feel embarrassed to discuss your thoughts. I was so ashamed that I felt such profound sadness, that I tried to suppress my feelings, and even told my closest friends and family members that I was not experiencing anything hormonal. In fact, even when my mother expressed that she had a bad case of postpartum blues, I did not share my experience with her. I’m ashamed to say that I thought people would view me as weak, or that it was a sign that I was not a good mother. Especially when I had so much to be thankful for, and had such intense feelings of love for my family.

Dads / partners, postpartum blues are very real. They are overwhelming and unexplainable. What your wife needs, is not answers or solutions or the old “baby, you are such a strong woman!” pep talk. What your wife needs is a hug, a kiss, a smile, some cuddle time, and your undivided attention. Do not make the mistake of telling your wife that she should be positive and strong for the baby. What woman wants to hear that she is not living up to an imaginary standard? What she really needs is your comfort, support and understanding. Without that, it is a slippery slope from postpartum blues, which may last from one day to 2 weeks, to postpartum depression, which can persist for months and years. Take it from me, I needed my husband to be in sync with me, to protect me and make me feel loved and comforted by telling me what every mom wants to hear – that I am the most amazing and loving mom on this earth.

SOME TIPS:

• Be sure that the house is in complete order (cleanliness / ample food / nursery is set up, etc.) before you arrive from the hospital with your little bundle of joy.
• Arrange for loving friends and family to stop by. As much as you may want your privacy, it’s nice to feel loved and appreciated after going through such a huge transition. It’s also nice to keep her distracted from only focusing on her sadness.
• SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP! All new moms need their sleep. This is a rejuvenation period for mom, so be sure that she is taking care of herself!
• Allow your wife / partner to cry – encourage it! Do not let her feel like something is wrong or let her feel like she should be worried. Allow her to cry on your shoulder and let out all of her feelings. This is such a great way to cleanse her system and feel a sense of catharsis. This is all part of a normal pregnancy postpartum.
• Get mom out of the house everyday, even if it is for a short walk or car ride. Being out in the real world can be refreshing.
• Avoid Isolation. Be sure that your wife / partner has a support group available at all times. Be it her best friend or sister in law, be sure that she always has someone readily available if you are not accessible.

RESOURCES FOR POSTPARTUM BLUES:

• Baby Center – Postpartum Blues / Depression
• March of Dimes – Postpartum Blues / Depression

Again, this is my take on postpartum blues. If you notice that your wife is experiencing more prolonged symptoms over an extended period of time (longer than 2-3 weeks) you should seek professional help immediately! This is not shameful and is completely treatable! I know someone who experienced postpartum depression for over a year. She is now back to feeling like herself again.

RESOURCES FOR POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION:

• Great book for Mom – It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita
• Great book for Dad – The Postpartum Husband: Practical Solutions for living with Postpartum Depression

This is definitely not kid’s stuff…no pun intended.

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